Genesis Chapter 15 starts with "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield and very great reward". Abram had already done something in Chapter 14 that seemingly took great courage or bravery, so at first glance this seems an odd thing for God to speak into the moment. But then we see perhaps Abram's fears lay in what he couldn't see instead of what he could see. I can understand this. There was something Abram did not have but longed for. The Lord spoke of reward, but Abram could not imagine any greater reward than a child, an heir. God saw. God knew. God came to him. God was personal and called him by name.
"Do not be afraid, (Heather). I am your shield, your very great reward." (1)
My prayer is that I may be encouraged and satisfied in this. May this promise, may HE be enough. Abram followed God's declaration with an expression of what he wanted, what he lacked, knowing God could have given it to him, but had not. Oh, how I love the frankness of scripture, and I do not see where God corrected him for his response. He listened, and He spoke back directly to the issue Abram raised. God answered with a very specific promise, and Abram believed.
If I'm honest, I have to admit I'm a little... okay, a lot, jealous of the specificity in which the Lord answered him. Yet, even in this Abram still had questions, still wanted assurance. It's hard to imagine needing to ask for this in such an intimate conversation, yet I am acutely (perhaps embarrassingly) aware of my own way of doing this as I pray and read through scripture. My questions may be worded less forthright, but at the heart of the matter I'm really asking the same thing. It must be in our fallen, distrustful, and doubting human nature: this constant need for reassurance. It makes me really grateful for the sixty-six books he's given us that do just this!
As this communication and obedience is taking place, "a thick and dreadful darkness came over him" as mentioned in verse 12. Dreadful could be replaced with terror or fear. Thus verse one's command/promise "do not be afraid...I am your shield, your very great reward" seems even more meaningful. God knew from the beginning of their relationship this moment was coming for Abram. In the thick and dreadful darkness God was still there, still working, still speaking, still proving His promise. I find it intriguing God spoke of His promises and not the fearsome darkness. Yet, the very promise held pain. There was future hope in the promise, but before the final fruition there would be much pain.
I think I can understand this in part. Being reminded of God's promises in my darkest hour was (is) hopeful, but also cuttingly painful. I can testify He is present in our thick and dreadful darkness, and I am so grateful for this. Still, I long to hear specific answers to my specific questions and fears; how I long for the final fulfillment of all His promises by being Home with Him.
I do not hold to prosperity, name it and claim it so called "gospel", yet I also want to trust Him and hope in the details. He hasn't audibly spoken or revealed a specific answer to all my questions, thus sometimes I'm left wondering if I'm tempted to believe in what I want more than what He's promised. Thus I beg for discernment continually. My quandaries, temporal longings, emotional upheaval, nor my heavy darkness negate His presence nor His promises. HE, more than anything, is my "great reward".
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
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