There was a situation recently that triggered a heavy anger, deep hurt, a sense of betrayal, astonishment, and compounded grief. This in turn felt magnified by an ensuing sense of loneliness. I've cried buckets of tears while screaming the unfairness and my anger over the situation to the Lord in my prayers. I stood in the shower weeping at the fresh wounds of a heart longing to hold her child, longing to be understood.
Before such a day even commenced the Lord knew of what my heart would need reminding. It found those reminders in Psalm 34.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him" (Psalm 34:8). "Blessed" obviously does not mean without trouble or affliction because one does not seek refuge without cause. I'm reminded whatever the situation be that drives us to seek refuge we find God is there and he is still good.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Psalm1 34: 17-19
He does not withhold troubles or the things which crush us. He allows the crushing and the crying- yet he remains good in all of it. He allows the hearts of his people to be broken. The psalmist is praising God, not for sparing his people troubles, heartaches, or grief, but for being present in these times, for reaching in, for deliverance, and for the redemption of all his crushed people.
Even here I can taste and see the Lord's goodness as he offers refuge for my weary soul. I can be assured he sees and hears the cries of my broken heart. He sees me crushed in spirit. While he may deliver me in part on this earth, I await with hope and assurance our ultimate deliverance FROM the crushing and broken heartedness TO his presence which will overwhelm my palate with is goodness. There I will see him and be held by him as he allows me the gift of once more holding my little Abigail. In his goodness he holds her now. So, "I will extol the Lord at all times" (v1)- even in the darkest valley where my heart is broken and my spirit crushed.
Right or wrong, I've found myself withdrawing into the loneliness as a means of self-protection. The Lord has used this to remind me there are indeed times when he is the only one who truly understands, and he is enough. He alone knows how deep the knife slices. Will I let him be enough? Even when I'm seeking refuge out of fear, anger, and hurt He is there drawing me to himself. I am so grateful.
As I weep in the refuge of his arms, he also assures me I am not really alone in other ways: my husband, my children, other grieving parents, and sweet friends share the pain to varying degrees.
"But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail, I fear to call Thee mine; The springs of comfort seem to fail, and all my hopes decline. Yet, gracious God, where shall I flee? Though art my only trust; And still my soul would cleave to Thee Though prostrate in the dust."
-Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul
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