In This Valley

I'm weary. 

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the physical pain and fatigue of grief. 

I'm exhausted fighting the battle of bitterness for my heart. Resisting the enemy and the flesh is hard. Bitterness begs to be entertained for things said and done, but also for those that go unsaid and undone.   

I'm frustrated with the way impatience and irritability stick around like cling wrap. 

I'm sick of feeling like the needy wife and friend who takes much and gives little. 

I'm weary of the deep ache in my soul, the piercing unrelenting pain and sadness. 

I'm tired of having conversations with myself convincing myself that someone didn't mean to be so hurtful or that it's awareness, not compassion, they lack. I'm tired of convincing myself to be gracious and patient. 

I'm weary of the heaviness of heartbreak: my own and others'. The death of a child has tremendous ripple effects. The world is so broken and I long for it all to be redeemed.  

My tears are so plentiful they are beginning to feel like cheap currency. At least, that's how I imagine other people are starting to view them. Yet, to me? They are most costly. I recently read "if we refuse to shed tears, then Jesus would have nothing to wipe away." I, along with every grieving parent, am giving him ample supply. 

Never in my life have I so wanted to escape pain and climb out of the valley. It's human nature to avoid pain. Yet, in the death of a child one is left with their hand chained to hot stove with no way to withdraw. It's searing. 

The valley of child loss is the path parents fear. It's the path set before me and my husband. "I long to give in and retreat". I am convinced that to the depth of pain I sink, my Jesus is even there. There is no depth he cannot reach. There is no valley his peace and his strength do not plummet. I cling to him like static. There's no alternative worth pursuing. If I never see another before me or behind me in this valley, I know who walks beside me. 

I'm weary of the valley, but "bless the Lord for he gives me himself." 

When the path that I feared

is the way he has set

When I long to give in and retreat

Still to Jesus I hold 

as I face every step

For the Lord He will give me his peace

Bless the Lord he will give me his peace

Bless the Lord He will give me his peace

And if I should remain in the valley today

Bless the Lord He will give me his peace

When the road that I tread 

fills my heart with despair

and it seems that my grief has no end

still to Jesus I hold who will walk with me there

and the Lord he will give me his strength

Bless the Lord he will give me his strength

Bless the Lord He will give me his strength

And if I should remain in the valley today

Bless the Lord He will give me his peace 

On the road that you walked

with the weight of the cross

All my pain and my sorrow you held

So to you I shall hold

you redeem every loss

For my Lord you have given yourself

Bless the Lord he has given himself

Bless the Lord he has given himself

and If I should remain in the valley today

Bless the Lord he has given himself